Something you should know about me is that one of my greatest fears in life is that you will all figure out that I’m not really qualified to do the things that I’m doing in my life and at work – that one day someone in a meeting will suddenly have the proof they need and will exclaim “AHA, I knew you were a fraud Chloe Gow-Jarrett and now your mediocrity will be unveiled! You don’t deserve your fabulous job or your fabulous friends and family!” Is your inner voice as dramatic as mine?
How this shows up is defensiveness and this results in not working in partnership. I’m so worried the person I’m supposed to be partnering with is going to discover I don’t REALLY know what I’m doing that I end up protecting myself. Then, because I’m so busy protecting myself from being found out, I can’t actually contribute what I know. Talk about thoughts creating reality! Gross.
I have been experiencing this when working with Celeste (don’t worry, I asked her if I could write about this) at work. Celeste is quick and can see the big picture in a heartbeat – she asks tonnes of questions and asks them in rapid fire succession. I sometimes experience this as “Woah, Celeste doesn’t think you know what you’re doing. What else have you missed? You’re not doing your job. Why didn’t YOU think of that?” I feel grilled when in reality, Celeste is asking questions that provide clarity – this is how she learns, but I make it mean I’m not good enough.
Last week in a meeting Celeste was looking for answers and I ended up lying. Seriously. Just to get her off my back. Just so she wouldn’t find me out. After the meeting, one of my team members said “Ummm, Chloe we DON’T have alignment on that.” It was true and I knew it. I went home stewing.
I was so embarassed, I was ashamed – so I ‘fessed up. No biggie. I wrote an email and told Celeste my experience. I took responsibility and let her know that I lied. Asked her if we could chat the next day so I could make sure we were both clear and complete.
Ironically the word of the day email that was in my inbox that evening was “Judas – one who betrays.” Nice.
Here’s the bottom line: I could have just forgotten about it. I could have just rode the lie out and Celeste wouldn’t have even noticed but that wouldn’t have had me learn or restore my integrity. I see clearly how pointing out breakdowns gets me further. For the first time in my life, I’m really ENJOYING making mistakes. If I immediately take responsibility for my blunders, people don’t get pissed, they help me see what I could do differently next time – I get to develop a new way of being when I’m in a similar place again.
I will always be working on getting over those fears that have me choose to be stingy instead of a contribution and now I’m enjoying this process, rather than feeling embarrassed. I don’t know everything and if I pretend to know everything, I don’t get to learn.
Instead of protecting myself from people finding out what I don’t know, I’m choosing to contribute what I do know.
XO Chlo
I find that always being truthful is best policy especially at work. When you are working on a team, or with a client, you all have the same common goal.
Sometimes people feel trapped in a meeting and think that they need to give an answer right away or that if something hasn’t been thought out yet, that it’s a bad thing. But it’s not, it’s people doing their job because we all want that common goal, success for the project. When in those situations it’s okay to say ” That’s a great point, we aren’t ready for issue b we should setup a meeting for that.” If you don’t know something just say “That’s a good point, but let me get back to you on that one to see what would be the best fit”. You can’t know everything about everything but we do have the ability to learn and adapt, you have to give yourself that breathing room. At work you have to constantly let go of every single mlligram of ego, that’s what make a good leader, it’s was shows confidence and is the driving force behind keeping projects on track.
A) You rock for stepping up to share something so vulnerable! B) Holy cow I can relate to that! Actually on both sides – I’ve totally found myself on the defensive but at the same time, I tend to “download” information or fire lots of questions when I’m trying to understand what is going on. Then find the other person completely overwhelmed. Being aware of my own reactions, and also of the learning styles of others (and if I’m overwhelming them with info) has been so crucial to getting ego out of the way and staying comfortable with vulnerability.
Thing is, people always know when you’re lying, don’t they? Like even deep down. So if you had rode it out, Celeste probably would have been a bit skeptical about your character, maybe without even knowing why.
I also find women get very competitive/threatened with one another. I think it’s all of our responsibility, as strong women with careers, to stop that dead in its tracks. We should support one another as if our success depends on theirs.
Anyway, that’s what came up for me when reading your post. Love you!
High five for the huge dose of awesome that this was.